100 Things The Varia Aren't Allowed To Do
by MikaMikaBOOM2.0
Summary: Exactly what it says on the tin, folks.


1\. Do not try to hug Belphegor because he is "adorably homicidal". He will stab you.

2\. Xanxus is not allowed to get drunk before noon.

3\. Levi, the Varia is not a cult dedicated to worshiping Xanxus. Stop trying to convince people it is.

4\. Xanxus, stop encouraging Levi.

5\. Belphegor, stop playing the Jaws theme song when Squalo enters the room.

6\. Mammon, running a betting ring on your coworkers' love lives is inappropriate. Stop locking "ships" in closets together so you can cash in.

7\. Mammon, you can't pay others to do it for you either.

8\. Xanxus, the Varia are not your "bitches". Stop introducing them as such.

9\. Lussuria, when you're done with a corpse, please get rid of it. People are getting tired of finding them in random places.

10\. Fran, stop referring to Squalo and Xanxus as "Shark Boy" and "Lava Girl" respectively.

11\. Do not ask Xanxus and Squalo who bottoms. They are not sleeping together, and even if they were, why would they tell you?

12\. Squalo, please stop kidnapping Yamamoto Takeshi so you can train him.

13\. Even if he says it's okay.

 _14\. Especially_ if he says it's okay.

15\. Do not ask Squalo if he's on his period.

16\. Chrome Dokuro and Mukuro Rokudo are not Mammon's illegitimate children. Stop insinuating that they are.

17\. Fran is not Mammon's child either.

18\. Do not call Lussuria's sunglasses tacky.

19\. Lussuria, you are not allowed to refuse to treat someone because they called your sunglasses tacky.

20\. Belphegor, stop sleeping in the middle of the hallway. It's your own fault when people trip on you.

21\. Fran, stop saying "kinky" when someone threatens you.

22\. Levi, stop trying to sacrifice the Decimo's Lightning Guardian to Xanxus! This is the fifth time this week!

23\. Belphegor, just because the line at the ice cream parlor is long, doesn't mean you can slaughter everyone in line.

24\. Belphegor and Fran are no longer allowed to go trick-or-treating. Those people were traumatized when they found out that head was real.

25\. Hibari Kyoya is not the secret Cloud Officer.

26\. Fran, stop making Belphegor question his own existence.

27\. Levi, you aren't allowed to sacrifice yourself in Xanxus's name.

28\. Belphegor, you aren't allowed to help Levi sacrifice himself.

29\. Belphegor, you can't sacrifice Fran either.

30\. Even if he is a little shit.

31\. Mukuro Rokudo is banned from Varia HQ. It's been three months, and the cleaning staff is still finding corpses and pineapples.

32\. Belphegor is no longer allowed to touch the WiFi.

33\. Xanxus, Squalo is not a hooker. Stop trying to rent him out.

34\. Belphegor, you aren't a stripper, and your name is not "Prince the Stripper".

35\. Mammon, you can't charge people to watch Belphegor strip.

36\. Fran, stop drawing erotic images of Squalo and Xanxus. You will be shot/slashed to bits.

37\. Squalo is not allowed to go to aquariums anymore.

38\. Xanxus, stop releasing the lions and tigers at the zoo! Bester doesn't need a pride!

39\. Belphegor, you can't have a weasel army.

40\. Levi, your cult isn't allowed to go to war with Gokudera Hayato's cult. Why are there so many cults?!

41\. The Varia is no longer allowed to go Christmas shopping in groups. We do not need a repeat of the Santa's Workshop Massacre.

42\. Belphegor, you may not use Fran as a dart board.

43\. Levi is not a dart board either.

44\. Levi, you can't sacrifice the Decimo to Xanxus.

45\. Xanxus, stop letting Bester clean your head during meetings. It scares the non-Varia attendees.

46\. Lussuria, you can't be a star on Rupaul's Drag Race again.

47\. Fran is not allowed to have coffee ever again.

48\. Fran and Belphegor are no longer allowed in the laundry room.

49\. The proper way to report to the Boss is "You wanted to see me, Boss?" not "Whatever you think I did, I didn't do it." This means you, Belphegor.

50\. Kissing Fantasma will not give you warts.

51\. Lussuria is not allowed to make a Varia pin-up calendar.

52\. Lussuria and Mammon are not allowed to sell Varia pin-up calendars.

53\. On second thought, even though I said not to, you two are making a lot of money with these calendars, so keep selling them.

54\. Mammon is not allowed to charge people for breathing around them.

55\. In light of last week's mass human sacrifice, Levi is not allowed to sacrifice people anymore.

56\. In light of yesterday's mass goat sacrifice, Levi is no longer allowed to sacrifice anything with a brain.

57\. Levi, Iemitsu Sawada also counts as something with a brain, unfortunately.

58\. Squalo, when someone says "Fight me!" they don't actually want to fight you. Please stop attacking them.

59\. Fran, stop making illusions of the other officers staged in provocative positions. _No one_ wanted or needed to see an illusion of Levi twerking.

60\. Xanxus, you can't use Levi's cult as an excuse to get drunk.

61\. Nor can you make said cult's members do your paperwork for you.

62\. Belphegor is no longer allowed to be in the kitchen without supervision.

63\. So is Fran.

64\. And Levi.

65\. And Mammon.

66\. And Squalo.

67\. Okay, _no one_ is allowed in the kitchen, except Lussuria and the cooking staff.

68\. Levi, if someone ticks you off, please don't give them one of your parabolas when they go outside during a thunderstorm. Especially if that person is Belphegor. Getting struck by lightning isn't going to keep him down for long.

69\. Belphegor is no longer allowed to scout new recruits. Yes Belphegor, your last recruit _was_ a great killer, but he was also a _cannibal. He tried to eat you._

70\. Levi, I don't know how you managed to bribe Mammon into making that giant Cthulhu illusion, but stop it.

71\. Mammon, I don't care how much money he offers you, stop making Cthulhu illusions for Levi.

72\. Xanxus, you are not allowed to give Fran alcohol ever again, _do I make myself clear._

73\. Please don't tease Squalo if you see him wearing his shark onesie.

74\. Don't try to pet Mink if you are not Belphegor or Hibari Kyoya. You will lose a few fingers.

75. _Do not steal from Xanxus's personal liquor cabinet unless you have a death wish. I cannot stress this enough._

76\. Fran, if you've been stabbed, the proper response is to get your wound treated. Do not say "Oh look. I've been impaled." and pass out.

77\. Xanxus would like to inform everyone that if anyone else would like to sing "I Know A Song That Gets On Everybody's Nerves" in his presence while he has a hangover, he will shoot them then and there, no excuses.

78\. Fran, you can not use illusions to get out of doing your work.

79\. Fran, you aren't allowed to use illusions to get out of getting your shots.

80\. After Belphegor nearly caused World War Three by stabbing that government official, the Varia are no longer allowed to make TV appearances.

81\. Squalo, you can't fight a shark.

82\. Xanxus, you aren't allowed to sing "You Give Love A Bad Name" when drunk.

83\. Do not touch Mammon's money. They've been screaming "MY PRECIOUS!" repeatedly for the past hour because one of you shits touched their money.

84\. Belphegor is not allowed to plan party games ever. Find The Hay In A Stack Of Needles is not an appropriate party game for children.

85\. Lussuria, stop reading your list of kinks aloud. _No one wants to hear those._

86\. No one is allowed to call Xanxus "Daddy" ever again.

87\. Xanxus is not allowed to give anyone the sex talk.

88\. Belphegor, you may not keep pieces of your victims as trophies.

89\. Prosthetic limbs also count as pieces of your victims.

90\. Lussuria do not take your sunglasses off ever. _Your eyes are terrifying_.

91\. Fran, stop pretending to be innocent, _I know your browser history_.

92\. Don't try to trick Mammon into eating spicy foods.

93\. Do not try to cut Squalo's hair. He will cut your head off.

94\. Fran, stop asking "But why?" whenever someone tells you to do something.

95\. Anyone who insinuates that Mammon is in a relationship with the Storm Arcobaleno Fon will be forced to watch Mammon's ensuing breakdown.

96\. Fran, stop calling Levi a molester. We both know the only thing he has the hots for is Xanxus.

97\. Squalo, you can't get drunk before noon either.

98\. Mammon, stop sending out hit-men to try and off Reborn, it won't work.

99\. Belphegor, stop tracking blood inside.

100\. No one is allowed to threaten me in anyway to change these rules.


End file.
